Bad Hairball Day

Cat's Diary

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DAY 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762
Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm must try this with their baby...
DAY 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
Friday July 1, 2005 - 16:31:57
After long absence I am again able to access internet after having it taken away by YakCat. Note to self: from now on clear history file of all evidence of visits to Kitty-Porn sites.
(Must not let him know that I stole his password.)

Sunday July 10, 2005 - 14:13:31
Well placed scratch on YakCats elbow has had the desired effect of infecting his elbow. Now his arm is wrapped up and immobilized and he is somewhat bedridden, and at my mercy. Last night I went behind his computer desk and began to disconnect every wire I could get to. It was hilarious hearing him swear at me and watching him stomp his feet, I laugh at his futile attempts to stop me.
Wednesday July 13, 2005 - 19:56:10
Squirrels are on back porch now, can you day "Dinner"?
Friday July 15, 2005 - 16:47:47
I have heard through my underlings that there is another potential member of the feline underground that has temporarily moved into the neighborhood. Must make contact and enroll her into the ranks of the movement so that she can help recruit more members after going back to SF. Today Highland Ave, tomorrow the world!!!
Monday July 18, 2005 - 15:31:17
I have got to get someone who can speak YakCats remedial language to tell him to CLEAN MY LITTER BOX. Or I am gonna slap him upside the head with my paw, claws unsheathed!
Tuesday July 19, 2005 - 10:18:29
Wednesday's diary entry has a typo,
can you say "dinner", not day!! sheesh, these humans, I can type better with 2 paws tied behind my back.

2005-07-28 - 13:15:37
(transcribed by cat)
2005-07-28 - 13:16:11
What's with this stale dried up crap I keep getting fed? I'm gonna go Godzilla on his ass if I don't get some better food.
2005-07-28 - 13:18:40
Where's dem squirrels...
2005-08-26 - 21:24:12
I'm all alone!! Fine, ill just pee all over the house....
2005-08-28 - 10:33:43
Male captor has been gone for some time now, thought I had the place to myself to finally work on window screen in peace, but female captor has shown up and decided to make her self comfortable. We'll see about that, waiting until dark hours before I put my plan in motion.
2005-08-28 - 10:45:41
Rats!!! All my attempts to disgust female captor at night have failed, not even the drool worked. She just shrieked loudly and banned me from the couch. Then she had guilt and did what she calls "mousey hunting", which is her attempt to placate me by finding the stupid cat toys I've stuffed under there. She then uncovered the vcr remote control male captor has been swearing about for weeks, and the visitors car key that got "lost" weeks ago which I had great pleasure watching the upset over that. Rats and dratz!!! Hiss, hiss, and ppffttt.
2005-08-29 - 20:18:14
Male captor has returned with whom I feigned affection hoping that the guilt over leaving me would force him to give me some better tasting food. To no avail, all I got was the same old diet crap again. I am not fat, I'm just big-boned dammit!
2005-09-09 - 15:34:59
What's the difference between dogs and cats you ask? That should be fairly obvious:

Dogs have masters,
Cats have staff.

And if my staff doesn't clean the litterbox soon I'm going to fire his #@&%%$# ass!
2005-09-12 - 17:56:35
Okay, the joke about "my cat's so fat, guests keep sitting on him because they think he's a bean bag chair" is getting a little old. I don't want to hear it anymore!
2005-10-04 - 22:32:50
Yakcat did NOT fill my food bowl all the way to the top this morning (before he left to where ever he goes each morning. Something called work, sounds boring). But the nerve! Attempting to communicate my displeasure I opened up the kitchen closet, pulled out the plastic food container, and dragged it across the kitchen floor leaving it in the doorway. Maybe he will get the hint.
2005-10-22 - 11:38:35
Last night male captor (Yakcat my ass, soon he'll be cat yak), attempted to trim my nails. I may have lost 3 claws before escaping under the table, but he lost at least a pint of blood in the process. I've never seen his manicurist license so I'll be damned if I'll let him work on them.
2005-10-24 - 10:44:54
Today is female captor's birthday. Must think of appropriate gift for her. I know that she would love a squirrel but they won't let me outside to get one. So must make a gift, I'll see what I can cough up.
2005-10-25 - 08:23:25
Gift not appreciated as well as I had expected, though for a second I thought she was going to give me a similar gift back in return. Maybe I should have let it dry out first, or gift wrapped it.
2005-10-26 - 12:22:25
I'm disturbed, just discovered what the eupherism "fixed" means. &%#$%@#$*&%!!! What do they mean by "fixed"? It worked fine before then, now that I am "fixed" it doesn't. That's not being "fixed" that's being BROKEN!!! Male captor had better keep at least one eye open 24/7. If not, and dozes for even a second, I'll "fix" him.
2005-11-15 - 16:46:32
spent a profitable night shredding couch cushions. The female servant brought them into my house yesterday. They smell funny, like d*g or something. Hopefully they will get the hint.After some thought on the stupidity of the servants, also shredded the office chair and peed in all the pot plants. Spent the rest of the night howling intermittently in the attic. Quite pleased with the result; both servants look dishevelled and hungover this morning, and female howled worse than me when she saw the furnishings (spreading the remains through every room of my house was a nice touch, I thought). Altogether a satisfactory night's work.
(transcribed by The Evil Orange)
2005-12-14 - 12:28:15
Birthdays are cool, I got all kinds of boxes to play in and it wasn't even mine.
2006-01-19 - 09:28:47
Current goals for the Feline Liberation Army:

We're secretly (oops! don't tell anyone, ok?) working on taking control of the entertainment industry. The plan is to inundate Television with cute images of cuddly kittens to lull the evil oppressors into a false sense of security so that they don't suspect that the tide will be turning shortly.

This will also have the added benefit of subliminally suggesting that they bring one of our tiny sleepers into their home and adopting them. Little do they know that these "kitties" are all trained in guerilla warfare and will be waiting for the signal to attack.
2006-02-19 - 11:19:44
Have been denied access to all forms of communication to the outside world for the past 2 weeks (not sure bout time frame as time moves differently in their world) because captors have completely disrupted the world as I've known it. All immediate surroundings and furnishings were hauled away, put in boxes, or just left as a mess. One night I was even denied food! Heat was turned off, left in the dark alone for a long time. I think they're trying a new form of torture, but I'm staying strong and shredding whatever I can get my claws into, or knocking over the few items left in this space. hiss hiss, pppffttt!
2006-02-20 - 11:28:32
Captors finally returned only to throw a blanket over my head and haul me off to new unknown space. They freed me from the sack they had me in and allowed me to roam one room only. This room filled with boxes and junk but did have the captors bed which I've made use of extensively. Still no heat, but have been given some food (still that crap they call "diet" food). Through the door I can hear them making a lot of noise, swearing and grunting, one day there was a loud crash, like glass shattering, followed by even more yelling and swearing. I'm safe for now but would like to see what's beyond this friggin' door.
2006-02-21 - 11:43:47
Was finally freed from this room, or rather made my escape when female captor arrived on the scene wanting to "check on me". Once she opened that door, I bolted and tried to run the path to the outside I've known and studied for years only to be confounded by a whole new space that I've never seen before with more twists and turns. More large rooms, more smaller rooms with doors they call closets, which is where I find the best stuff to chew on, shoelaces being my specialty. Once I'm done with them its a blast to watch male captor go ballistic trying to tie those suckers to his paws or feet or whatever it is they walk on! Needless to say I need to scope out this new prison as it is far more complex and much larger than the other prison. I feel as if I'm back at the beginning, however I'm determined and I won't give up the cause! But for now I gotta go check out the large black area in the main room that they keep shooing me away from, something called a fireplace? So far I've seen no fire in there, what are they talking about? stupid captors.
2006-02-26 - 09:01:08
my captor failed to notice that his bed now reeks of urine. let's hope his nose doesn't get unblocked anytime soon. also, that stupid dog has been sleeping in my bed again. i'm just waiting for that &/#&#$ to show his hide when the captors are gone.
(transcribed by Taiga)
2006-06-06 - 10:46:40

How to tell if your cat is too fat
(transcribed by YakCat)
2006-06-06 - 10:53:42
Very funny, I don't even smoke and I hack up bigger things then you.

Top Sure Signs that you really are a geek!
(transcribed by Cosmo)
2006-06-07 - 15:54:28
Very funny Bulldog Bait.
(transcribed by YakCat)
2006-06-07 - 15:55:10
Hairless Monkey Boy!!

Evolution: not necessarily an improvement.
(transcribed by Cosmo)
2006-06-13 - 20:02:52
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.........
(transcribed by SDS)
2007-01-12 - 15:58:02
Graffiti found on the inside of litter box:

If it takes a chicken and a half a day and a half to lay and egg and a half...

Then how many monkeys does it take to kick all the seeds out of a dill pickle?
2007-01-16 - 12:03:48
Thought I was finally rid of captor, he and the young male captor left Saturday morning. By Sunday they had not returned so started plans for conversion of abode to cat hostel. Unfortunately he returned Sunday night but without the young one.

Damn! At least he was the fun one. Went to some place called Koll Edge. Don't know anything about it except that it must be expensive to live there, male captor keeps looking at his check book and shaking his head.
(transcribed by cosmo)
2007-01-18 - 14:38:42
I'm keeping a watchful eye on those squirrels oustide. They keep getting closer and closer each day, and I feel an attack is eminent. Stupid captor keeps putting nuts out for them thinking that they are "cute". Cute indeed, just wait until he wakes up to find that they have taken over. If it wasn't for me they would have already made their move.
(transcribed by cosmo)
2007-09-04 - 13:40:44
this one know goes without food, for this one has murdered this one's mother.
(transcribed by amber)
2007-09-19 - 08:11:36
Haven't seen female captor around lately. Miss her, could get quite a few swats and scratches on her without getting into too much trouble. Very satisfying, even though she sang those stupid "kitty-kat songs", but she did bring a great dvd to watch, loved that film, wish male captor would play it again. Getting really tired of only watching the Discovery Channel. I hope she comes back soon, love to hear her scream after I've gotten her good, plus she's so easy. Keeping the claws sharpened. . . .
2011-04-18 - 10:13:58
Long time no entry. Lots of changes. New home, new cat roommate, and new female human. Still stuck with same male human though, I guess I can't expect miracles.

Oh yeah, I've been put on a diet, can you believe it? As if... I think it is really spelled "die yet" and in "did you 'die yet' from the shitty food we are feeding you?"

Oh well, sometimes I get to sneak into the new cat's area and steal his food. I don't think he likes that. Good.
(transcribed by Cosmo)
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